Why I hate Boo!
Wrath: *I sighed as I got up from my desk. This had been one hell of a long ass night. Rubbing my hand over my face, I grab George’s collar and begin the trek to mine andBeths room. Work had been keeping me away from her far too much.
She seemed to be doing better lately, since we had our chat and got things out in the open, but I still was worried about her. In her sleep she would call out for our son, begging him to come back, not to go into the Fade. It broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes every time she woke me with her screams. I wished day after day there was something I could do, but always came up with nothing.
As I reached the door to our room, my body seemed to start to drag in anticipation of the extremely comfortable bed inside. The moment I walked inside, I was hit with a wall of metallic smell, one I recognized all too well. It wasn’t all that long ago that that smell meant the death of mine young. It was that thought, that one thought that drove me to action. George too, it seemed as he started pulling at me, jumping in the direction of the closet, barking with every jump.* Alright, boy. Take me to it.
*As my feet carried me, following the dog my shellan had given me, the smell got stronger. When I felt George stop moving, I knelt on the floor, my hands roaming trying to find the source of the smell. What my hands hit, made my heart stop yet again. I knew those hands, that face, that hair as well I knew my own. It wasBeth. I felt the cuts on her wrists.
I brought them, one by one, to my mouth. Running my tongue along the cuts to seal the wounds, I tasted the salt of mine own tears mixing with my shellans blood. Why would she do this? Why would she chance killing herself? I knew her vampire side wouldn’t allow her to die so easily but that didn’t matter to me. Mine shellan had tried to kill herself. Had she been fully human, I wouldn’t be attending a Fade Ceremony for mine young tomorrow, it would be for the both of them. I groaned and almost choked on my tears as I brought my own wrist to my mouth.* Come on,Beth. Come on, Nalla. Wake up for me.
*Once I had bit my wrist, drawing the blood she most desperately needed right now, I put my wrist to her mouth, begging her to drink.*
Beth: *Darkness…that is what surrounded me. I saw nothing, heard nothing until a little ball of light came towards me. I knew who it was before it spoke. Mine young. “Mahmen it is not your time. I know you miss me but you cannot come where I am. You must go back and let me go. Father needs you as do others. You will see me again. I am always with you. I love you Mahmen.”
After the light backed away I heard the bark of George and heavy footsteps ofWrath draw near. I smelled seawater that was only his tears. I tried to tell him to leave me go. He would move on. But I couldn’t speak and the little voice of my young kept telling me to go back. Calloused hands touched my face as I felt my wounds heal by his tongue. I was so close but I knew my young was right. I needed to go back. Just as I tried to open my eyes I felt warm liquid pass over my dry lips. Blood…Wrath was feeding me. Slowly my strength returned to me.
Drinking slowly I reached out forWrath, his hand, arm whatever I could find. Gripping his forearm tight, I opened my eyes and sealed the wound* I…I…I’m sorry nallum…
Wrath: *I was so happy in that moment. She was alive. She was breathing. She was talking. It was all just music to my ears. My smile was wide and my chuckle wet as I ran my hands over her precious face.* You’re okay. You’re okay. *I wrapped my arms around her and brought her up to me in a tight hug.* I love you so much. Fucking hell,Beth, what were you thinking? Why would you do something like that? *I brought her back away from me a bit running my hands along her face as I spoke*
Beth: *I lowered my head, ashamed of what I had done. Tears fell as I spoke* I couldn’t breathe. I was so consumed with grief seeing the white around the manse. And when I went into the nursery…I lost it. It was stupid but I didn’t know what else to doWrath. I just wanted the pain to stop. I don’t know how I will make it tomorrow. I miss him so much.Wrath
*I wiped my tears and looked up* We need to name him…he needs a name.
Wrath: *I nodded knowing she was right. We had hardly been able to be around each other lately because of all the heartache it brought up, let alone be able to choose a name. And we needed to have one for the ceremony tomorrow.* I agree. We need to choose a name, but, Beth I need you to start coming to me when you’re having problems or if you need to talk. Please don’t ever, /ever/ do this again. I just thank theScribe Virgin that your vampire side saved you. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d have lost you too. Please don’t ever make me have to find out.
Beth: *Lifting his wraparounds I looked intoWrath eyes* I promise. But I need you to come to me too instead of holing up in your office and drinking. I need you. *sighing I shook my head when a little voice spoke to me “Dhanger” * Dhanger . That is his name.
Wrath: *I smiled* That’s a perfect name. Dhanger. A very strong name for a young like ours. And you have a deal. I’ll be out of the office at a decent hour every night. I even promise we will start having some date nights. How does that sound? *I started to stand up, but as I put my hand down to lean on, it hit something.
Sitting back down, I grabbed what my hand had hit. I knew it right away - one of my old fighting daggers. My heart broke yet again. She had used something that had meant the world to me ages ago to try to take something I loved more than life itself from me. It was one of the biggest stabs to my heart ever, hurting more than any stab from a lesser ever could. I chose not to say anything right then though. We had started to move passed what had happened, at least for a moment, and the last thing I wanted to do was ruin that. Putting a hand out to helpBeth to her feet.*
Beth: *I couldn’t help but notice the pained expression cross his face as he found his dagger. My heart broke even more. I reached up grabbing his hand* That sounds great. Right now I just want to be in your arms. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day.
Wrath: *I smiled lightly as I lift you up into my arms bridal style* That it is. But we’ll get through it. Together. Like we should have been doing things all along. For now, why don’t we go to the guest room down the hall. I think Fritz will be cleaning in here for a while. *Grabbing George’s collar and carryingBeth to the guest room, the walk seemed a lot longer than it was. Tomorrow would certainly be hard. Letting our son, Dhanger, go, letting him find peace in the Fade, none of it would be easy. But the fact of the matter was he needed to be laid to rest. And then, only after he was laid to rest, couldBeth and I begin to truly heal.*
Beth: *I’ve been a ghost of myself since I heard of the fade ceremony being planned. The doggen hushed their conversations around me but it was hard not to see all the white being placed around the manse. White was the color of death for the vampire race and I have been dressing in black, the human color of death.
My already tiny frame was more emaciated since the death of my young. I had hardly eaten since that night and I hid it by wearing baggy black clothing. My throat tightened as I found myself in the would be nursery which was completely covered in white. Seeing the pale yellow room bright in white cloth broke me.
I ran to the closet in my mated chambers where Wrath still had his daggers. I couldn’t take the hole in my heart, the pain in my chest anymore. If I just ended it I could be with my young. I could breath again. I rummaged through the leathers and shitkickers until my hand felt something smooth and sharp.Wrath’s dagger. I wrapped my hand around the hilt and brought it out. Two quick slices and it would be over. My pain would be gone. I sat shaking on the floor, the blade pressed to my wrist. I just needed a little more pressure, a little deeper and it would be over. Wrath would move on. He was so much stronger than I was.
Hot tears feel down my cheeks as I drew a line of crimson across pale flesh. I hissed as my skin burned from the blade. My head felt fuzzy and my vision went black from emotion overload not blood loss. My head hit the floor and the blade fell from my hand. Peace…I was at peace now*
Wrath: *Taking a deep breath, I walked back into my office. I let go of George and felt my way to the house phone. Picking up the receiver, my fingers found their way to the braille number 1, the direct line to the doggen’s living area of the mansion and Fritz’s room. Being so late, I knew he would be there, winding down from a long night of picking up after messy Brothers and young. Sure enough, he picked up on the first ring.
"This is Fritz," he answered.* Fritz, I need you in my office immediately. * "Yes, sire. Right away, sire." He hung up the phone, not needing to know anything more than I, the king, needed him. It wasn’t long before he came quickly walking up to my office door. His quiet knock was unneeded, but I allowed him to keep with the formality. Formality was what Fritz lived and breathed. Any deviation from that and he was lost.
I willed the doors open and allowed him entrance. “You wanted to see me, sire.” I heard him say as he bowed. Of course he bowed. In his eyes it would be disrespectful not to; even if the king was blind as fuck.* Sit, Fritz. * I sensed his movements and followed them as I poured us each a drink of rum.*
Fritz, I’m going to need your help. Next week we’re going to hold the Fade Ceremony for the royal young. *At the mention of the lost young, his emotions fell. “Dropped” may be a better word, even. And mine dropped with them. I couldn’t dwell on emotions, though. In this moment, I was King, not father. The Fade Ceremony was essential for our young to find its way unto the Fade and I was not going to be the one to keep mine child from rest for eternity. “As you wish, sire,” he whispered into the silence between us. “I shall make sure all is ready.” I nodded with a slight smile.
I dismissed him. An ease fell over me knowing Fritz would take care of everything, and there would be nothing for me to worry about as far as the Fade Ceremony was concerned any longer. it was in very capable hands.*
Wrath: *I groaned. Would this stack of paperwork never end? I mean honestly! For three nights, I had been working on this same stack of paper and it felt never-ending, like a bottomless stack. I briefly thought back to just a few years earlier, how I never imagined myself being the king, never imagined that I would allow myself to be chained to this desk, this throne. I never wanted this for myself, but I surely couldn’t go out on patrol anymore. This was the only way left that I could assist the race. Being king was now my only option. Once again, just like it had many times since the death of my young, the countless sacrifices I had made for my race, for this war, passed through my mind. I started trying to count them, but gave up eventually. Over my 300-some-odd years in existence I had seen far too much death, far too much suffering.
That was one reason I commended Marissa. She had decided she wanted to help the abused females of the race She /choose/ it. Not only was she able to choose her “destiny” but she choose to help the abused of our race. When she came to me with that idea, I had been floored. Never had I imagined she would choose to do that. I mean, I would have never /chosen/ to be king. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to be chained to a desk. I didn’t want to help people. I wanted to fight. I wanted a dagger in my hand.
I drank the rum from the glass and slammed it back on my glass, pouring another. Destiny. Shaking my head I scoffed at the word. Destiny. Was this my destiny? Was I to sit here, losing everyone I love one by one. Fade Ceremony after Fade Ceremony? I gasped and dropped the glass. Fade Ceremony. I even whispered the words to the empty room. We never had a Fade Ceremony for our lost young.Beth and I had been stuck inside our own minds, grieving so hard for so long that we never gave a Fade Ceremony a thought. We had to do this. Our young had to have entrance unto the Fade. I got up from the desk, knocking over the rum in the process as I tripped on my way to I had to talk to Beth and all the others. We had to have the Fade Ceremony as soon as possible!*
Wrath: *The couch again. I had fallen asleep on the couch in my office yet again. This had become the habit. Get migraines doing paperwork, drink until I can’t feel it, drink some more until I pass out on the couch. Never leave my office. Never speaking to anyone. Just bury myself in work. Work was my life now. Nothing else existed. Nothing else mattered. Don’t think. Don’t feel. That’s how I got through That’s the only way I wasn’t as insane or worse than my former brother, Murhder. That’s the only way I was still living.
More than once I had thought about going outside one night, staying out until the sun came out. Just…. just letting myself burn, never having to face the music again. Maybe the glymera was right. Maybe the BoB was right. Maybe I just needed to let someone else take the throne the responsibilities, let someone else make the decisions. Maybe I should just get out of it all. Why should I let this war, this stupid war take another life, another loved one from me? Why should I let it matter so much? Why should someone else’s war be able to take so much?
I felt the wind kick up around me yet again, heard it picking up the papers on my desk and throwing them around the room. I did my best to reign it in, but I felt the tears running down my cheeks and new it was useless. All of this was useless. The anger, the tears all of it was useless. It wasn’t going to bring my precious young back and it wasn’t going to make me feel any better. Nothing was. My young was lost forever and there wasn’t a damn motherfucking thing I could do about it. But even that realization, that fact wasn’t going to bring my young back to me. My tears ran faster and faster down my face, my breath coming faster as well. Sitting up on the couch I did my best to control my breathing but it was useless too. I was having a full blown panic attack and no one was around to help, no one even knew what was going on inside these desolate four walls.
So I did the only thing I could think to do. I put my head between my knees and tried to take deep breaths while the papers and books continued flying around the room. It took a while, a long ass fucking while, but I finally was able to calm down. The books and papers floated to the floor as my breathing finally starting slowing. My heart finally starting beating normally. Sitting back on the couch, my face toward the ceiling, I sent up a prayer to the Virgin that this would all stop soon, that someday soon the panic attacks would stop, that Beth would start talking to me again, that I would be able to face the world outside these four walls and be able to face my brothers.
For now, though, I would stay here not giving a shit about anything that happened outside, only caring about not thinking. For now, my world consisted of me and rum. That’s it and that’s all that it would be for however long I needed it to be that way because right now there was just no facing anything. I couldn’t handle listening to anyone else’s bullshit. I couldn’t handle hearing about who said what to who making so and so whine. Right now all I could handle was my own bullshit, my own whining. Those fuckers out there could handle their own bullshit. Not me. Not now. Maybe not ever*
Beth: *I had been in a daze since losing my young. I didn’t know what day it was but I knew it had been eight days since it happened. Since then I talked to no one and tried to keep hidden. One of the doggen would bring me trays of food in the new chambers I had taken as my refuge. I would hear a faint knock at the same time everyday and everyday it would go unanswered. Most of the time I spent pacing the room. Chuckling I look at the worn path i had made. Fritz would be upset with that. Just one more person to disappoint. Seems that’s the only that’s the only thing I was good at. I was past mourning and sorrow. I was angry. No scratch that I was furious. If I could I would go to the other side and tell the Scribe Virgin a thing or two. And now from what I heard muffled behind my closed door Qhuinn and Layla had had their young. How is that fair? Just a week after I lost mine, they have theirs in their arms. In any other circumstances I would have been happy but right now I was pissed at the world. Was I such a horrible person that karma deemed it so that I lose my child? Picking up a lamp from the bureau I lodged it against the far wall as I screamed out in anger.*
Beth: *I wake after a day filled with tears and restless sleep. My eyes almost swollen shut from all the crying I had done. Slowly I push myself up from the bed I collapsed on. Stumbling slightly I open the door and pray I don’t see anyone as I make my journey to the room that would have served as the nursery. Tears threaten to spill over as I walk inside and see white sheets over everything. Fritz must have been here already as the room was in mourning. Carefully I lift a few sheets, searching for the teddy bear I cradled just a few days before. After searching for what seemed like hours I finally find it and hold it close to my chest, fresh tears falling down my my cheeks. I wobble as I stand again and make my way outside to the apple tree on the middle of the yard. Slumping down I begin to dig the dirt away with my bare hands, wildly throwing dirt around until a hole deep enough is made. Resting back on my heels I hold the the bear to my chest and kiss its head* I am so sorry I failed you as a mahmen. I am so sorry you will never have the chance to grow up and know your father and uncles. You are at peace now my baby. I look forward to the day that I am reunited with you in the Fade. Rest well my child and know that I will always love you. *Gently I place the bear in the ground and cover it over with dirt again. Once I finish I lay down on the cool grass next to the mound and soak the ground beneath me with my tears*
Wrath: *I sat on the floor of the exam room for hours, balling my eyes out and just petting George as his head lay on my lap. It was time though. I could feel it. Getting to my feet, my joints cracking at the effort, I grabs George’s collar and made my way to the mansion and up to mine and Beth’s chambers. Taking a moment, I listened for a moment to make sure she had cried herself to sleep. I didn’t want to bother her. She had made her wants clear when it came to me. She didn’t want me around and I didn’t want to upset her. When I didn’t hear anything coming from our room, I assumed she was sleeping and opened the door. Silently, I made my way to my side of the bed and leaned underneath. Finding the trunk I kept stored there, I made my way as quietly as possible back to my office. Once there, I put the trunk down and let go of George, letting him go to his bed and curl up. He didn’t. He stayed right next to me, his head pressed against my thigh as I bent to retrieve what I needed. I felt around and found the small satin pouch. I put that to the side on the floor and then reached in again to find the slab. The slab of black marble was heavy and I grunted under the weight as I hefted it from the bottom of the trunk. I carefully set it on the floor in the center of the room and stripped down until there were no clothes covering me. I quickly willed the locks on the door to engage. No one would be coming by as it was now day but I needed to be sure I wouldn’t be disturbed. Grabbing the satin pouch, I solemnly untied it and poured the diamonds it held onto the slab. I took a deep breath to steady myself. No louder than a breath, I spoke. My words in the language of my mahmen, but in any speech it would have been the same.* For my young, taken too soon. I didn’t even get a chance to know you but I know above all I would have loved you. May you go into the Fade and wait for your mahmen and I. May you be at peace never having known the terror and heartbreak of the war we fight. Be at peace, my young. Be at peace. *It didn’t escape me that the last time I had done this was when my brother Darius died in that fucking car bomb. And now I was in this same spot, same situation over my young. Tears poured down my face silently as I lowered myself onto the rough diamonds on the cold as fuck slab of marble. My brother. Now my young. What else would this war cost me? The diamonds ate into my flesh as I put my weight on my knees. A groan left me as I sat back on my heels. This is where I would sit, motionless, for the rest of the day. Paying tribute to the young I would never know, would never know myself or Beth. Tears poured down my face as I settled in for a long day ahead*
Wrath: *I loved evenings like this. Waking up next to my beautiful shellan and actually having the time to play around a bit. My hand snaked around to her front and started searching for her nipples. But when my leg shifted and hit something wet, I wasn’t exactly horny any longer.* Beth, um, did you wet yourself yesterday in your sleep?
Beth:*Curling my legs around Wrath’s I smile. This was our favorite time together. We would lay for a while before making love or just talk *which seemed to be the norm since I had gotten pregnant. Shifting I feel something wet under me and sit up* Wet myself? I’m not a child. *I look down and horror grips me. No…it couldn’t be* Wrath, something’s…. something’s wrong. *I reach down to touch the wetness and tears start to fall. Blood*
Wrath: *I hear her words “Something’s wrong,” but my mind refuses to admit it. Fuck, no. No it couldn’t be. But my mind finally takes a moment to analyze what I’m smelling. Not piss. Not urine at all. Blood. That was the metallic smell of blood and going by where it was on the bed this wasn’t good at all. She was loosing the baby, my young, my heir as we spoke. I smelled the saltiness of a tear as it fell from her beautiful eyes.* Beth, let’s get to the med center. Maybe Ehlena or Manny can fix this.
Beth: *I pulled back the covers to reveal a huge pool of blood under me. Our young…I was loosing our young. At that point I tuned everything out. I vaguely heard Wrath say something about the med center and fixing this. I knew enough to know that there was no fix to this. I had lost our young and nothing was going to bring it back. I gingerly get out of bed as the cramps hit me, making me fold over in pain for a moment before I can stand. I throw on a nightgown and robe and head for the door, my body and mind numb to everything except the thought of losing my child*
Wrath: *I can sense the total wall Beth has put around herself and it makes me feel so helpless. Fuck, we had tried everything done everything, to keep this from happening. I place my hand on her back as we walk silently down stairs to the medical area of the compound. I forced my body to seem at ease, but inside - inside I was frantic. I wished there was something, anything, I could do but I knew there was very little but be there for my shellan, and that was a hard pill for me to swallow.*
Beth: *The walk to the med center was the longest walk I have ever taken. It was like being marched in front of a firing squad. You knew what was coming and you just had to wait for it. My thoughts raced the whole time. I should have listened to Wrath and went on bed rest. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t be here right now. Without a thought I push the door open and sit on the exam table waiting for Ehlena or Manny to come in. I stare blankly ahead and hug myself*
Wrath: *The whole walk I felt like I was just not wanted, not needed here. But I’ll be damned if I was anywhere else. Beth may not care if I was there, but there was no where else I wanted to be. I stay back a bit from her as she climbs onto the table, opting to holler out for someone to get their fucking ass in the room now. After my scream for help, I walk slowly up to her and a tear falls as I feel she’s completely given up. Was she already mourning our young? There had to be something that could be done right? I’m the fucking king for fuck’s sake. I have the best medical people there was. Shouldn’t they know something? Shouldn’t they be able to do something?*
Beth: *The door opens as Ehlena rushes in* “What’s wrong Wrath?”
Wrath: *I quickly turn around as the door slams against the wall. Ehlena’s words … how am I supposed to answer?* We woke up. I thought she’d peed herself, but then realized it was blood. Ehlena, I think she’s losing the young. Tell me she’s not losing the young. Tell me there’s something you can do. *I listen as Ehlena’s shoes slap the floor, the sound echoing off the linoleum, as she walks over to the bed and starts doing the medical thing with Beth. I can’t stop hoping that maybe just maybe there was a way.*
Beth: *I lay back and lift my gown once Ehlena places a blanket over me. She puts some gel on my belly and turns on the ultrasound machine. I can’t bring myself to look at the screen as she moves the wand over my stomach. “I’m so sorry Beth…there…there is nothing I can do. You have miscarried.” She wipes off the gel and helps me sit up, tears in her eyes. “I will have to check on you in tomorrow to see how you are doing. For now I suggest bed rest for a few days. I’m so sorry.”* Thank you Ehlena . *And just like that my heart shatters. I feel empty and angry and upset all at the same time. I wipe a single tear and get off the table. I needed to be alone. I couldn’t bare anyone around me right now, even Wrath. I had lost our young by being stubborn about bed rest. I wouldn’t be surprised if he kicked me out or divorced me.* I need to be alone. I’m sorry Wrath. I just…I can’t be around anyone right now.
Wrath: *My heart falls from my chest as Ehlena softly utters the words that destroy me. “You have miscarried.” I fall to my knees, sobbing How could this have happened? We did everything we were told. I just couldn’t understand what had happened. And then my shellan tells me while I’m sitting there balling my fucking eyes out over our young that she doesn’t want to be around me? What the fuck was happening? I cried harder as I heard the med doors close behind her.* George, *I pulled him closer to me as I slowly sat up* George what have I done to deserve this? *He started licking my face with a fervor I had never seen from that dog, whining as he did. he must have known something had happened that ripped me apart from the inside and didn’t like that his master, his strong king, warrior master was crying. He finally laid his head in my lap and continued whining, crying with me as we mourned the young we would never know.*
Beth: *Hearing Wrath sob as I walk away breaks my walls for a moment and I catch myself against the wall, my chest constricting. After a few moments I gather the strength to make my way back to our chambers. Seeing the blood on the bed makes me physically I’ll and I take off to the bathroom, emptying what little I had in my stomach. I finish and gather a few things before blindly making my way to an empty room. I collapse on the bed and begin to sob*